Thursday, 2 January 2014

2014.. I'm not ready for you, yet.


Three months ago I turned 24. The event itself didn't scare me but the fact that this year I'll turn 25, does. I often wonder where the years have gone. Feeling old beyond my time. One moment I was doing numerous shots in a dingy bar and the next I'm saving for a mortgage. 
A quarter of a century I've had a chance to make my mark on the world and I have nothing to really show for it. I've travelled a bit, yes, but not really. I'm still living with my parents. I'm in a job I sometimes love, and always pining for the greener grass. Always coming up with elaborate plans of what I'm gonna do with my life but never putting in the foundations. Forever scared of checking my bank balance, even on payday. Constantly trying to save and always buying the latest foundation and a new dress to boot. Always envying the snippets of life that someone has so carefully decided to share. And never feeling that get up and go to do anything about anything. 
I always assumed that by 25 I would of done more with my life. Lived. I thought my skill would be finely tuned. My pay check healthier, living that champagne lifestyle, even if it was on lemonade money. That I would feel content in myself and not just looks wise. That I wouldn't have spots anymore. 
I've spent all my adult life in a relationship, and I do not regret that one bit, though I do feel it hinders you from living in a different way. I had more friends when single, mostly my fault. But being in a relationship means having someone else to worry about. Another person who's affected by your actions. No more over drinking and making new best friends who's floor you crash on and then never see again. As similar to when you are a teenager, it's a third parent to answer to. What are you doing? Who are you with? How are you getting home? Action like that evoke feelings in parents and partners. Feelings of worry, jealousy, paranoia. So it is often easier to pass off offers, then to have to answer to those feelings. I never experienced a girls holiday, and probably never will. I miss the days of (badly) dancing to Brit pop in indie bars drinkin £3 fishbowls and not having to worry about credit card bills. I feel a little lost to be honest and I don't know why, or how to change it. I think about running away heaps more than I ever did as a child. I don't really know who I am anymore. On MySpace I use to describe myself as "nothing special, but you'll never meet a girl like me" but it's not true anymore, I'm just like any other 24 year old girl. And that scares me, I no longer feel I have the X factor, which made mr so forward and up for anything growing up. I was always the yes girl. Two for two Tuesdays on bottles of wine, sure! Downing pints on stage in a music venue, why not? Booking a flight to Australia with three weeks to save, go on then! Now I can't even decide what take away to eat while watching the X factor. What changed? What went wrong? Where did I lose myself, my personality, my spunk? 

Most importantly, where do I get it back?

2 comments:

Lauren Maria said...

I know exactly how you feel, I'm 30 this year though! What I have realised is that there's still plenty time to do things you just need to say yes to more often. Oh and realise that the man can be left on his own, I'm in oz for 3weeks on my own visiting family. I'm going to get out there and do loads of thing while the family are at work, on my own but I can cope!
Lauren
livinginaboxx

Lauren Maria said...

I know exactly how you feel, I'm 30 this year though! What I have realised is that there's still plenty time to do things you just need to say yes to more often. Oh and realise that the man can be left on his own, I'm in oz for 3weeks on my own visiting family. I'm going to get out there and do loads of thing while the family are at work, on my own but I can cope!
Lauren
livinginaboxx